I’m Thankful That I’m Thankful When I’m Thankful

 

Growing up Thanksgiving was not a big deal to me.  As a matter of fact, I actually dreaded it to a degree for some time.  Not because I wasn’t thankful but due to a case of stomach flu one holiday season that swore me off turkey for some time.

I remember being thankful when I was younger that I had a house, food, and my parents had jobs so we could live a reasonably (understatement) comfortable life.  This morning I woke up and for a split second I found myself thinking “I don’t know what to be thankful for”.  It was a fleeting second born out of a moment of selfishness and self pity for the situation I found myself this summer.  I say that in the past tense because it’s over.  It’s gone.  It’s finished.

Sandwiched between turkey preparation and the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade was a thought that I couldn’t just avoid verbalizing what is good and thankfulness-worthy about my life.

Every “good” Christian (not being snarky I promise) will list their salvation first and foremost the thing they are thankful for but when you really think about it everything else springs from that.  Not just the eternal salvation in all of it’s facets but the daily ways that He saves me.

1.  My wife:  I shudder to think of the kind of man I would be without Kim.  She has contributed so much to my focus and growth.  I was once asked what one thing I was looking forward to in marriage.  While sex was the first thing that popped into my mind, the truth is I love the fact that she always…ALWAYS…has my back.  That looks different every day.  Sometimes it’s the momma bear defensive posture she takes when her husband is hurt or struggling.  Sometimes it’s the swift kick in the rear that her husband needs when he’s being a baby because she knows he can be a better man than that.  Sometimes it’s letting me have some time alone to reorientate my thinking.  It’s always in love and it’s always good.

2.  My children:  We are struggling with Jessica right now.  We don’t try to hide that.  This move has been extremely difficult on her.  She left her friends that she was beginning to forge the kind of friendships you hope for.  She didn’t get to start at the school she had prepared and grown excited for all summer long.  She acts out, acts up and fights back in frustration about the situation.  She’s a little, frightened girl who has had to go through so much change.  I love her with earth shattering daddy love.  If her feelings and fears were dragons, I would fight them with my bare hands because a princess sometimes needs a knight.  She’s my mission that I have no choice to accept.

Garrett is my king in training.  He’s all boy and all joy.  Nothing gets him down and he reminds me daily to love life, learning and people.  When I watch both of my children I see the best of us and the worst of me.  I hope and pray that the best wins out over the worst.

3.  My Family:  I live closer to my dad, mom, brother and sister-in-law, the cousins and in-laws.  Life is good.  When you are having a bad day they are there to remind you of what is true, good, holy and pure.  Sometimes with scotch.

4.  My Friends:  Every week one of my friends from Pittsburgh messages me on Facebook just to say hi.  We don’t have huge long conversations but on many weeks it’s the most important and encouraging thing I hear outside of my family.  I am thankful for that more than they realize.  Moving back to Dallas has been a very strange odyssey.  In three years so much has changed.  Families have started.  Families have grown.  There are new babies, new jobs and new homes.  My friends remain constant.  I love them.

5.  I am thankful for time spent.  I grew.  I learned.  I am changing.

I hope I don’t have to shout out loud how thankful I am for what Christ has done in my life.  I hope my life will reflect the thankfulness that is best manifested in living who I was meant to be.  I hope it will be obvious.  I hope, when it’s sometimes hard to be joyful, it won’t stay clouded for long.

I am thankful that hope still remains.

 

Carpe Deficio!!

Somehow, I have found myself way the heck back in 7th grade.  I just thought of this story as I was formulating a plan for writing tonight.  Yes, the blog has been sitting empty and alone for several weeks (over a month) now.  I have had some good ideas.  Maybe even great ideas.  They are lost somewhere between Red Dead Redemption and Monster.com.  Not sure who the biggest time suck is but they are doing a dang good job of staying neck and neck.

Ok, back to 7th grade.

I like girls.  I like girls…alot.  I REALLY like my wife and I think there is a relation here somewhere.

The first girl I truly had a crush on was kind of like the Holy Grail of crushes.  I was a 7th grade movie caricature.  Think Lucas but without a Charlie Sheen and the banter.  Smart but not going to light the world on fire.  My Kerry Green was a girl three grades ahead of me in our youth group.

Some background

We attended a small church that was so small we were incapable of rounding up enough teenagers to make our own youth group so we joined forces with one across town.  For me this is no brainer decision because I have hormones that need appeasement and the girl to guy ratio has increased by billions.

Math is not my strong suit either.

The other plus is that the classmate I have had a deep and abiding crush on since two grades prior attends said partner church and this is my chance to once and for all demonstrate my devotion to her.  It’s bad.  I mean like ride my bike in front of her house until she notices me and comes outside bad.  That was a candle that burned for most of middle school and high school.  With the exception of a few long and agonizing weeks.

The youth group was still small enough that we had to incorporate middle and high school students into our Sunday evening get togethers.  It was there I discovered that sophomore girls will talk to you and will treat like a cute puppy if you are funny enough and are foolish enough to mistake the said treatment for any kind of hopeless chance you have at your first relationship.

There was a sophomore girl.  She was beautiful and she was older and she was not my current crush who, while kind, gentle and an all around a great person, made it perfectly clear that I firmly cemented in the friend zone.  However, she was willing to encourage me, once she found out, to pursue the pipe dream of unrequited love.  I could be Lucas but without the football induced coma and pre-Heathers Winona Ryder.

It was a note.

A short note.

I hate that note.

I still think about it.  That note is responsible for more time travel wishes and daydreams that anything else in my life.  Don’t send the note!

I crafted that note over several nerve-wracking days.  It was my best work and it wasn’t pretentious or cheesy.  It was mature.  It smacked of true feelings and nervous wishes.  And no “check here” boxes.

I asked her out on a date.

Pretty bold move for a guy my age but I figured it was now or never.  A Carpe Diem moment.  Dead Poets Society was almost three years away but I was the embodiment of John Keating.

And then she laughed.

I wasn’t there but I heard it was pretty loud and pretty hard.  Tears…rocking…the whole works.  That’s how it was related to me by the messenger.  My crush who was my own age.  The reasonable one to pursue.  The one that made sense to write a note to that bared the soul and mind.  She gave me every detail and I was left with wondering where I could even possibly go from there.  Obviously, not back to the youth group.

I went back.

Let me assure you that the object of my junior high love was very kind in not ever bringing the letter up in private or public.  It was as if it never existed.

Much like my job resume it appears.

On This and Every Day After…What Cannot Be Taken

We believe in the one true God
We believe in Father Spirit Son
We believe that good has won

And all of the people of God sing along

Amen

We are free He died and lives again
We will be a people free from sin
We’ll be free a kingdom with no end

And all of the people of God sing along

Amen

Our father who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who have trespassed against us
Lord lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil
For thine Is the kingdom, power and the glory forever

We’re singing –
Amen.

We’re There…

It seems odd that in the midst of major life transition and such we are heading out next week (fingers crossed) on a short little vacation.  Taking a cue from Educlaytion and in honor of our excursion to Pagosa Springs, the list of the day is:

Nathan’s Five Favorite Movies Set In But Not Necessarily Filmed on Location in Colorado (No Particular Order Except Red Dawn…Red Dawn Is Always Number One)

1.  Red Dawn

2.  Dumb and Dumber

3.  Always

4.  The Shining

5.  War Games

Many more to choose from.   Have at it people.

Anniversaries and Ends or Just Write Something!

My good friend over at The McKinney Diner recently switched to a WordPress blog after being exclusively Blogger since 2003.

By comparison, I have created and destroyed more than 20 separate blogs since picking up the web writing mantle shortly after him.

Consistency doesn’t appear to be my strong point.  Kim will argue that I am consistently curmudgeonly and well into my Carl Fredrickson years at the ripe old age of 37.

I am thinking that consistency may not even be the hallmark of my remaining years here on planet Earth.  See, on August 15, 2011 I celebrated an anniversary. On that date in 2008, I packed up and moved to a city in the northeast to pursue a job as a youth pastor for a large church. 3 years to the day I found myself packing up my family, closing on my home and returning to North Texas.

Not exactly what I had in mind.

But you might say, “You can’t attribute that which you cannot to control to be your own lack of consistency.”

Maybe, but what if it’s the characteristic of ten years.

The second anniversary I celebrated was a decade of involvement in youth ministry that I have now departed from.  A decade.  Nothing to sneeze at.

I don’t know if I have any intention to return.

I guess that is something truly left up to God.

It was fun.

It was painful.

It was worth every second.

It took from my family.

It built relationships.

It strained my walk with Christ.

It brought me to my knees beside my bed in the early morning hours.

It provided moments of exhiliration and triumph.

It dropped me into despair.

It taught me about people, faith and truth.

It caused me to question all of those.

So I beg your indulgence for today that I may write pretentiously–one line at a time–regarding change.

The writing door is open.

**I revisited this blog two months later.  Still no job.  I think this is my winter.  Don’t worry, I plan to write on that in the coming weeks.  I believe God is stripping me down like an old hardwood floor.  I look forward to the day that the scuffs and marks are gone.    I look forward to when the shine returns.  I never doubt He’s good.  I never doubt He’s there.  I may doubt His people sometimes but I will never doubt Him.